So Spring has finally arrived in Norfolk. I feel with its coming a lifting of my mood. There is still a weight on me. I think of my depression as a heavy block of stone lying on top of me but it is lightened with the changing of the seasons though still there try as I might to shift it.
I have sought help for my chronic sinusitis and been to the doctor. I have a nasal spray to use which is some kind of steroid. The doctor said it may take up to six months or a year to work. Well that’s a pretty big time scale. So as I attempt to heal my physical ailments I hope to do more mental healing into the bargain.
The farms have geared up again and started ploughing and planting and fertilising. Tractors are up and down the lane in their noisy business. The fields are full of yellow rape. The yellow is so bright it almost hurts your eyes. It seems like one day it wasn’t there and the next it was in full bloom. I think I am allergic to it.
The garden burst into spring last month. There were lots of primroses and daffodils. I have no bluebells or snowdrops or tulips. I must plant more for next year. I have begun gardening: the endless tasks of weeding and pruning. The garden is beautiful and gladdens the heart. The birds are busy nest building and are frequent visitors to the bird feeder. I have a solitary robin who dots around. I have seen a goldfinch hopping on the path. The dog killed a blue tit which made me cry. He was so perfect and pretty in life and death. I like to feel nature. It calms me. I still have lots to do in the garden.
The weather has warmed up considerably. As always in England it is very changeable. We have had some days as perfect as summer and some as cold as February. There is much more sunlight. The conservatory becomes really warm as soon as the sun dares to peep out. It is lovely to sit in. Such a contrast to the ice I felt in there in winter.
My business selling Buddhist and bohemian things has improved. I have a steady trade though it is not really enough to live on. I need to write more. I need to find another source of income. The search continues. I have a fear of being bullied again so I must choose carefully. Maybe one day the business will take off. Maybe one day my writing will take off. I have to hope.
I tried to be frugal in Lent and eat simply. I didn’t quite manage no alcohol though I did have simple meals and no eating out. Easter has passed and the privations of Lent are over. We are in the season of plenty and enjoyment. Easter was lovely. We had a side of salmon with pomegranate dressing. My dessert didn’t set which upset me. I am overly critical of myself. I must stop berating myself.
Spring is the season of hope. I hope I can be well again. I am exploring Christianity and Buddhism as my spritual paths. I think they have much in common. I know I have a long way to go. My faults are legion. I am trying to improve. I have improved. I will improve.
Hope springs eternal.