How I almost cured my Depression

Over a year ago I really thought that I had conquered my depression. I had been feeling low for a while after leaving my teaching career, writing a book which didn’t find a publisher and feeling like a general failure.

I made a big effort to try to cure myself. I did all the recommended things. I embarked on a radical diet (the Dukan) and I got down to my ideal vanity weight. I exercised every day: I did yoga and HIT circuits. I meditated and prayed. I did feel better. I dyed my hair blonde and felt glamorous again. I threw out old clothes and bought new ones.

I did feel better. I really did. I thought I was cured. Then I started to do voluntary work. I wanted to edge myself gently back into the workplace. Then I landed a job in a bookstore: the big chain. This is where I started to unravel again. All the old patterns returned. People were extremely unpleasant to me. There was a bullying culture yet again, not from the management this time, but from the other staff. People talked about me behind my back. One of them said, “You are a nightmare.” Why do people behave like this towards other human beings whatever they think of them. I had done nothing bad to these people. I was trying to work hard and be friendly. As usual I found it difficult to deal with. My healthy diet disappeared. I started to drink wine in the evening to anaesthetise myself. I left and used the money I had earned to start the CELTA course which I have blogged about elsewhere. I got bullied again, this time by one of the trainers. I fell completely apart.

The depression came back almost as strongly as before, but not quite. So I hadn’t cured myself. Why? My depression must have deeper roots than I thought. It cannot be cured through glib healthy lifestlye tips. But I was fine until I tried to start work again. So work is the issue. It’s not even the work but the people at work, the downright nastiness in people that I no longer have the skills to deal with. Yet I have to work. I have to make some sort of contribution.

So I still haven’t figured it out. A year later I am still trying. I am using the healthy lifetstyle techniques again but they are only partially working. I have a rescue dog who has helped me a lot. I go on long walks and spend a lot of time in nature. I do yoga and I meditate and pray. I try to eat healthily but I keep relapsing. I try to give up drinking and I keep relapsing. I overthink everything. My mind plays back incidents over and over again.

I still haven’t figured out how to make an economic contribution to the world. I need something like my own business though I can’t think what to do. I could try to find like minded people to work with but I am not sure they exist. I need to commit to my writing again and see if I can make it as an author. I need to keep hope burning. I need to figure out how to manage my depression and see if I can get help for it. I need to do all this on a shoe string. I need to keep working on myself and hope things get better. I need to keep toxic people out of my life. I am better every day little by little. I will keep trying and if I find things that work I will post them on my blog and maybe that will help others.

“I must go on. I can’t go on. I must go on.’ Misquoting Samuel Beckett


One thought on “How I almost cured my Depression

  1. Great post, I recommend reading a book on cognitive therapy it may help you conquer your workplace anxiety, but I agree you can make yourself feel better and think you’re cured and then other people just set it off and get you down when really they aren’t worth you energy. Hope things get better xxx

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