So let me set down some thoughts of 2015.
Looking outward it wasn’t a good year. There was global warming, the continued war in Syria, the rise of ISIS, the flooding of the north and the endless stream of wretched refugees into Europe. It is hard to think of the positives.
Looking inward, for me it was not really a good year. I dropped out of my CELTA course (teaching English as a foreign language) in February. The careful restoration of my health and self-esteem from the previous year was dealt a hard blow which I have spent the rest of the year trying to recover from. I have been bullied in the work place many times and here it was again. A morbidly obese talentless woman taking her own self-loathing out on me. It always happens like this. My depression rolled in again like a sea fog, spreading its tendrils into every corner of my life, deadening me, covering me with a too heavy blanket. My depression. I don’t have the sort of depression where I want to do myself in. I have the kind of depression that is physically debilitating. I have no energy, I feel heavy and hopeless. I went to the doctor and they gave me tests. There is nothing physically wrong with me. No further action they said. So another pathetic attempt by me to receive help for my affliction ends in failure. I have the wrong sort of depression. They don’t know what to do with me.
I set about curing myself. Part of it was getting my rescue dog Didi. He came from Romania, a hurt broken thing with a gammy leg that hangs uselessly and a fear of many things. I loved him and he loved me. We healed each other. We went on holiday to Cornwall. He was afraid of the sea but he loved the coastal paths. He was scared of the crowds in the villages. We spent the summer on long forest walks in Suffolk and sometimes at the coast. He has gained confidence. He is feisty, growls at strangers, barks a lot and bit one of my house guests. This is no matter. He has a heart bigger than any person and could just snuggle with me all day. He has helped me more than I have helped him.
Didi has taken a lot of my time up, demanding attention like a baby. The result is I have hardly written. I have still not finished my second novel. The year seemed to be full of unfulfilled dreams and unfinished projects. People have done their best to make me feel useless and of no worth. Maybe I am no good in the work place but I have nurtured and loved a dog and that’s worth something to me and to God if not to the scum of humanity that I keep meeting.
I attempted self care, started to eat healthily, exercise and gave up drinking for months. This all went to pot when a massive bout of flu laid me low. Another unfinished project – myself.
As I reflect on the year I know I have wasted a lot of time and I have dwelled on things, events and people who have no worth. I spent too much time on social media where I met more fake friends. People who will only follow you if you agree with every thought they have and flatter them endlessly are not worth knowing or worrying about. Ridiculous feminists who worry about problems that don’t exist, who try to demonise one half of humanity when the demon is within themselves,I have no time for you and your made up words and made up problems. I have given up my volunteering work as I would rather spend time with my dog than people who do not deserve my labour.
Looking forward, I know I have finally said goodbye to teaching. I no longer have the personality or the will to do it if I ever did. I still haven’t found my purpose but I know it must be out there somewhere. I have learned that the world is sick and people have made it so. I have learned that there are a lot of people who are deeply unpleasant, who take pleasure in hurting others. I don’t feel anger any more. I feel sorry for them as they must be in pain in their godless, cruel Darwinian world. I want to commit to writing again, to stop worrying about having a day job which has caused me nothing but trouble, to trust that things will work out in the way that they should, to develop my spirituality further. I will stop listening to the bad advice of stupid people. I will stop caring what people think of me. I will follow my own path. I would still like to travel but I will have to find a different way to do it. I will care for my dog and my cat. I will nurture and love. I will find a way to do my bit to heal the Earth to tread lightly, to do no harm. I will seek out people who appreciate me and not give a second thought to those who don’t. I will look for love and goodness in people and avoid the evil doers. I will surrender to God’s plan for me whatever it may be. I will fast and pray and meditate. I will eat healthily and I will exercise. I will do yoga. I will spend time in nature. I will fail and I will get up and try again. I have my house up for sale. I am going elsewhere. I am on my way to the future.
2016 will be a better year. Do not be afraid. Embrace it.